I am an oddity even to myself. I have someone in my life who says he loves me, wants to build a life with me and in the abstract I am all for it. I just balk at the reality of it. I like being on my own. I like being by myself…a lot. I am afraid to live with someone. I shudder at the thought of trying to find a way to incorporate someone into my space. I don’t know how to be in a relationship and I don’t know if I am capable of it.
I miss the boy, which is strange because I am not sure what about him wasn’t fiction – so how do you miss someone you never really knew? The thing I believe is at his core, he is a decent person and I hate to admit it but once I found out this is who he is, it wasn’t something he did to me individually – it is what he does period – I was…amused. I can’t help myself. His intent was not to cause me harm, he really wanted to be able to draw me out and he did.
He drew me out and I found K and the two are linked in my mind that way. If not for one, there would not be the other. I love K, I have love for the boy. I am fond of him. I feel protective of him. I don’t have to protect K. I feel like I do the boy. An oddity, I am.
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